Balancing the Yearning for Spontaneous Intimacy Whilst Seeking a Committed Partnership

Being a gay man in my late 40s, I’ve spent many, mostly pleasurable years engaging in spontaneous encounters with other men since the age of 19. During my fourth decade, I was in a serious relationship that lasted a significant period, however it never fully satisfied me, because I felt neither loved or intimately fulfilled. The fact is that my constant desire has been for casual sex. Whenever I start seeing a potential partner, when the initial excitement dwindles, I always get the urge to have sex with other men again.

Reflecting on the Possibility of Monogamy

Currently, I'm contemplating whether it's possible for me to sustain a monogamous relationship. I'm aware that many gay men have non-monogamous arrangements, yet from my observations, they appear demanding, often causing lots of pain and jealousy for everyone involved. To a large extent, I want another man to love me while letting me remain sexually free, but I dread to imagine the emotional drain this might create. Is it best to continue to have spontaneous encounters and acknowledge that a lasting partnership is not possible? I’m feeling a bit lost.

Every person’s sexual journey fluctuates. Try not to think about what you require in partnerships or your ability to tolerate different types of sexual unions as fixed. What you need in your current state could easily shift in the future; at a certain time you may find yourself less ambivalent and find greater understanding and a suitable route … or not. At some point you might meet a person who provides a life-changing chance to you through mirroring what you want completely … and later on you may choose that casual connections suit you best. Fretting over what lies ahead and engaging in the “What if?” game is simply rooted in fear and squandering of your efforts. Try to be in the moment in your relationships, and see the value of each person with whom you might have an intimate bond. When and if you are ever ready to deepen true intimacy with one partner, you will know.

• The psychotherapist is a American psychotherapist focusing on treating intimacy issues.